Gaslighting and How to Recognize It
The term "gaslighting" comes from the 1944 movie "Gaslight," in which a wealthy heiress, played by Ingrid Bergman, marries a man whose sole intent is to search through her home for treasure that is hidden there for himself that she doesn’t know exists. She is a trained opera singer, back from Italy, and she inherited the home from her aunt. Her husband psychologically isolates her from society by making everyone question her sanity. He makes her question her memory, thinking that she misplaces things, making her afraid to go out. He even has the staff dim the lights and then tell her that has not happened. Eventually she and another man, the hero, helps to figure out the plot and she is rescued.
In real life "gaslighting" is used to describe an abuser's behavior to systematically make a person question their reality, their sanity, and to undermine trust in themselves. Often abusers will enlist others in this as well. This is a bullying tactic. It is about power. It undermines the confidence and credibility of the person being abused. There are specific things that are done to accomplish this. What I will share here is not a comprehensive list, but it should give someone the recognition if it is happening to them or someone they love.
Gaslighting is not a siloed behavior - meaning that it will occur with other abusive behaviors such as emotional abuse, physical violence, exploitation, or worse. It can occur in the workplace, between same sex friendships, and it can occur in dating and marital relationships. Oftentimes, if we have had it happen in our families, we may engage in it without meaning to - because part of the less purposeful behaviors are denial and denying of other's experiences and realities. As we become more aware and validating of our own experiences in life, we also become sensitive towards others experiences also.
In families there can be smaller, well meaning behaviors that may make one more susceptible. For example parents may have very loud fighting, and a child may ask, "Why is there fighting." A parent may say, "There was no fighting, only a discussion." But, a child knows there was fighting and is scared and was asking for reassurance. Often what children or adolescents see with their own eyes they will want to discuss. However, there are many social habits that may prevent open discussions around very difficult topics, or adults and parents may not have the skills. That is not abuse, but it can lead later to a mistrust of one's observations or inability to discuss what is incongruent with what is being reported. Having a language to be able to talk about what is real in difficult situations is very important. In that way, all of us at times, may discount another person's reality or perspective. It is a pervasive set of behaviors over time, with the intent to hold power over, to create only one dominant viewpoint, with other toxic behaviors present, then you have gaslighting.
These are some of the behaviors you will see in the more toxic examples of gaslighting:
1) People who are gaslighting will tell lies - they may tell lies particularly to manipulate or to be closer or to gain approval. If you are meeting them for the first time, they may lie about having things in common. Or they may lie just to keep you off balance. It is a device.
2) They will deny that something happened or that they said something - even if you have proof.
3) They use people and things that are dear to you as ammunition - this keeps you vulnerable and afraid.
4) Their actions and words do not match
5) If they give you positive reinforcement it's not for something you expect - it's something that serves them - it is confusing.
6) They wear you down over time.
7) They try to align people against you
8) They tell others that you are crazy - and they tell you that also for your responses to their behaviors
These are just a few of the behaviors, however, if you recognize some of them, pervasively in a relationship, especially with control as a motive, it is good to seek support. The best antidote to being in a situation where you face gaslighting is to have support outside of the social circle of the toxic situation that is balanced, logical, and will help you regain perspective again.
References:
deBecker, G. (1997) The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence. Little Brown.
Sarkis, S (2017). Sarkis, S. "11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting" Psychology Today. Retrieved on September 8, 2020 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting
